Should You Get Married before or after graduation? This is a question some young people may face. For some it seems logical and makes better sense to complete college before marriage. But love and things associated with it are not logical. And for most of us love and logic when it comes to getting married before graduation often may not happen. Whatever you decide, the couple should make sure they are honest with each other about what both want. They should decide whether they are willing to make sacrifices to reach future goals. To sacrifice is a given for both the husband and wife. Both will make them. Often one partner sacrifices more than the other. Things are seldom ever even. Although the scales may be tilted more to one side than the other it should never be so big it destroys the relationship. You should be able to work things out and resolve them in love. Sacrifices can be managed. Often it’s unplanned. My wife and I were married after we completed three years of college. I left Arlington State College and became a full-time active duty Army Musician. My wife stayed at Texas Woman’s University with plans to stay three more semesters, then graduate and join me at whatever Army Post I would be stationed. The best laid plans etc… She changed her mind and after one semester came to joined me at Fort Polk, Louisiana. Even though we were not in college for the next three years our plans for completion never went away. They simply changed. We decided after my tour of active duty was completed, college for both of us would be our primary goal. We only needed about a year and half each to receive our Bachelor degrees. Once we got back in college we had our baby daughter. She was only six months old, but we went right on with our plans. And when I graduated she was two years old. But everyone on my campus thought she was older. She could hold an intelligent conversation with anyone and ask questions that made them doubt her age. One of my favorite professors, Dr. Pryor while congratulating me on graduating told me that he was really going to miss my baby, Angela. He said he enjoyed seeing her academic growth. She paid attention in his class, sitting at a desk next to mine. And even though she couldn’t read or write, she used her pencil and made marks on her paper just like she was taking notes. Dr. Pryor got a kick out of seeing her note taking and would say to her: “Angela, make sure you share your notes with your daddy. He has a very important test coming up!” And then he would laugh. I had Dr. Pryor for three different classes, one for each of my last three semesters. My wife completed three semesters and graduated. I finished four semesters and graduated after her. I completed all of my requirements in December and participated in the next scheduled graduation in May and received my degree.
The decision to go back to school to complete our degrees was a good one, but many people, including relatives told us that only one of us should go back to school while the other worked a full time job. They told us it would be too difficult for both of us to attend college at the same time. They said we should think about the effects on our baby, with both of us in college. They thought our baby would not get the attention she needed for sound growth and development. We ignored the naysayer. We made our plans and were determined to follow through with them. My wife commuted to Denton and Texas Woman’s University (TWU). And I kept our daughter with me at my school, Dallas Baptist College (DBC). After my classes we got home where I took care of the household chores, prepared an evening meal so when my wife got home she could spend time with our baby, have dinner and kiss me before I went off to work. I had a lot of night time jobs including playing with a Jazz Band. I was blessed to be able to take care of our bills, provide food for the family, attend college full time and enjoy my wonderful family. I am sure sacrifices were made but it did not seem like it to me. It was a time with lots of challenges and I embraced them. It was hard but it also was a lot of fun. There was uncertainty but I felt sure of myself, my family and my marriage. We knew what we had to do and did it. We both graduated from college with Bachelor Degrees and we both went on to graduate school and each receiving a Master of Public Administration Degree. Your Common Sense Marriage can protect you from doubters if you both stick to the plan and pursue it with all you have. Our friend Ronald E. Jones married his wife Peggy after she graduated from TWU. He had not graduated, but soon decided he would. After the birth of their first son he graduated from DBC and later from graduate school with an MBA from Amber University. Peggy continued her education by receiving a Masters and both received Doctorate degrees. This is a success story, but I know several cases where wives sacrificed their education and sometimes a professional career so the husband could become a medical doctor or an attorney, only to be divorced after he achieved his educational goal. My wife was a social worker at a teaching hospital in Dallas. She saw cases where young nurses and social workers were dumped as soon as the spouse earned their Medical Doctor (MD) Degree. This was not always the case but we saw it happen too many times. The hurt of those we knew was extreme and it was painful as well as difficult to bare or overcome. Many ex-spouses never healed and remain bitter to this day. Thank God our wives stayed with us after graduating before we did. What a blessing. We could not have made it without them, and I am sure they know it.
I noticed that our children watched us in our pursuit of a higher education and saw the work we put into reaching our academic goals. When they graduated high school they all went to college. I believe because of us they knew early on they would attend and graduate from college. Our three children are all college graduates. One is an Attorney. Ronald and Peggy have two sons. Both are college graduates and one is also an Attorney. Common Sense Marriage and College not only challenged us as parents, it also challenged our children. Should You Get Married After or During College? It’s up to you. When the marriage is a Common Sense Marriage it does not matter when it takes place. It only matters that you work to make it successful and long term.
How to stay married while attending college:
- When both spouses are enrolled in college it is easier to understand the riggers and hardships of study and school obligations you both face. When both are in school, conversations don’t become one-sided or boring. You encourage each other toward the goal of graduation. It is a natural part of the marriage. That can strengthen the marriage and make the educational goal clearer.
- If you are a member of a fraternity or sorority don’t go to parties alone as though you are single. Make sure your spouse is with you and that everyone knows you are married to that person. Do not participate in juvenile frat activities. Take time to participate in community service projects.
- Develop a study routine and schedule where you do most of your studying on campus, so when you get home you are focused on your family. To keep your marriage strong and alive you must allow for family time, especially if you have a child. Your child needs your attention. Do not give up parent time for your school. Your child is more important. Your spouse is more important. Your marriage is more important.
- Develop friendships with other married couples that have similar goals and objectives. Your chance for success increases when you are involved with others who are also striving for a college degree. “Birds of a Feather flock together.”
- If your spouse has to take or does take the same course you are taking, save the books and your notes. That’s how you save money, and your notes provide valuable and needed information.
- If you can on occasion take your child to your school, do it as often as possible. Talk to your baby about college, the little things you share about college stays with them. And one day they will also decide to attend college. Because they want to be just like daddy and mommy. From their early experiences they will know they are expected to go to college and often they will follow your example.
- Take your family to college functions like, football and basketball games, homecoming activities, public lectures, concerts, art shows, etc… Introduce your classmates, teachers and staff to your family. They good for them to meet each other.
“Successful People Do Things Successfully”
Exerpt from the book “You Can Bounce Back”
Adjusting to prison life is not easy. It is one of the hardest things one will ever have to do in one’s lifetime. Once behind those locked doors and you realize that your freedom is absolutely taken away. There are guards with guns that are constantly watching you. You are told what to do, where to do it and when to do it everyday that you are there. You begin to feel and understand the demoralizing effect of incarceration. The prison system is designed to control prisoners by dehumanizing them. The guards and the wardens are trained to tear down one’s self-esteem and reduce prisoners to something less than human. This process begins with the first encounter with the arresting officers. With this type of pressure and treatment heaped upon a person, how do you adjust to Prison? The prison system as well as the entire criminal justice system is a form of institutional racism practiced in America. When speaking of institutional racism you speak of institutional oppression which discriminates against race, gender and religion. Racists are defined as persons or a group of persons that have the power to carry out a particular prejudice attitude or adverse actions against another person or group of persons based on perceived differences. Also, having the power to oppress and discriminate against a group based on ethnicity, color, religion or national origin.
I was not shocked to read about how many African-Americans were going to prison. The articles stated that; The penal system visits these dire consequences on a staggeringly high percentage of the African-American population. More than 22 percent of all black men in their early 30s and especially young men who dropped out of high school have spent time behind bars. These percentages are far higher than they were during the worst era of American apartheid. Title: Criminal Injustice and Race. By: Taylor Jr., Stuart, National Journal, 03604217, 10/6/2007, Vol. 39, Issue 38. I asked myself are African-American young men more apt to commit more crime than other youth in American? Do African-American young men understand that if a crime is committed someone is going to prison? Or is the American criminal justice system guilty of applying the law more strenuously for non-whites than for whites? The prison time given to first-time offenders is longer for non-whites than for whites. The overwhelming number of proven innocent prisoners that have been released in the state of Texas have been non-white. Some of these prisoners although innocent were incarcerated for as long as 30 years. This is just another way to oppress and discriminate against a segment of American society by using covertly the criminal justice system as an Institutionally Racist agent to enslave a people, again tearing them away from their families and justifying the actions taken by invoking the criminal justice system as legal authority. As a prisoner I am now a slave in the legal system. Adjusting to prison life means conforming to the prison system. Conformity is defined as “being within a group which entails members changing their attitudes and beliefs in order to match those of others within the group.” Those that conform tend to be obedient and compliant. In order to conform, the group member must attribute someone as having the legitimacy and credibility to lead or influence the “group” behavior. Without this “leader” conformity toward the group’s goals will be less prevalent. If a member of the group fails to conform to the group’s needs he would lose credibility with the group.”(www.unitsmuohioedu).
The definition of obedience “is the act of following orders without question because they come from a legitimate authority. There are many legitimate authorities in a person’s life from their parents to teachers at school and even spiritual leaders. Most of these authority figures that have been named are given their authority by society. In prison the authority figures are the guards, warden and other prison officials. We as prisoners are told to follow what they tell us. In other words we must be obedient to these people. Every person at some time in their life has followed a superior without questioning why they are doing what they are doing. For example we never question why we take tests in school. We just take them because we are told to do so. We never question a lot of the rules that people say are in our best interest because they are usually told to us by someone that is in a position higher than us.” (www.unitsmuohioedu/psybersite).
In prison we also accept without question what we are told to do, conformity and obedience is the only way to adjust to incarceration. The similarity to conformity and obedience is a person who follows orders from a legitimate and creditable authoritative individual. The difference in a person’s conformity is that they are not just obeying someone with authority, the person has changed his attitudes and beliefs so they can look like the other members in the group. In my case I tried to look like the other inmates without truly accepting their way of thinking. When thinking about an example of a person who obeys but may not have conformed, I reflect back to a time when I was teaching school. When I told students that I wanted them to sit down in the classroom they would only do so because I was in the room a person of authority. As soon as I left the room some of the students would get out of their seat and would start to make noise until I returned. When it came to a person conforming I think about my track team. As a track coach I found many athletes who came to run track for my college had to conform to my school’s mindset. They had to learn a new system from me and forget what they had learned from their former high school coach. Once entering into my program they changed their old attitudes and beliefs to go along with what I believed would make them and my program successful. In 1996 my track program at my college (SwCC) was voted one of the best programs in the national junior college division. In the following years when athletes came to SwCC they were more than willing to conform to my established training program. Conformity, compliance and obedience was not a problem for them because of the track program’s reputation. To comply and obey someone with whom one has personality issues can pose a serious dilemma. Complying and obeying in prison highlights this story. I knew what I needed to do but it was difficult. Because of my prison situation, I truly understood the power the prison system had over my life. When I was faced with trying to survive and dealing with the fear of prison that came with it, sometimes doing the right thing was very difficult, but I was determined that I would Bounce out of prison and never go back. I SURVIVED. Thank GOD.
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Dr. Douglas McDuffie is a minister who lectures and presents workshops across the country. Dr. McDuffie spent six and half years in federal prison. Where he quickly learned the rules of prison protocol and became a recognized leader among his fellow inmates. This was a time of atonement and reconciliation with himself and his family. He has begun to Bounce Back by helping others that have no one to help them avoid the pitfalls and the numerous dangerous obstacles of prison life. He was able to Bounce Back and is willing to help others to do the same. He has a Bachelor of Arts degree from Hiram College, a Master of Arts degree in Counseling from Amberton University, Dallas, Texas; a Masters and a Doctorate in Ministry from Slidell Theological Seminary and is a Certified Family Development Specialist from the University of Iowa.
